When Depression Appears to be Conquering My Faith

By Tracey Parker

            One Step forward, two steps back; or I clear one situation to fall into three more; this appears to be the story of my life. With the economy, being what it is and being a single mom of a ten-year-old daughter, I have a lot to balance while trying to maintain a smile on my face for her. The thoughts that are swimming in my mind began to manifest in my body language as she notices that mommy is not smiling as much or she is not playing with me. She sees the sadness but in my mind I am wondering, God when is this season of struggle be over?

            I know that God promises to be with us as we go through, but he did not promise that the walk would be easy. Trials not only builds our endurance, but our faith as well. It helps us to share our testimonies to others who are going through the same exact things we have. Sometimes we do not cause these trials and if we do, God allows us to sit in them to teach us something. Everything has an expiration date, but when it looks to me that it has gone on too long I simply say, “God, I am not built like this; I cannot go on any longer”.

            Depression can stem from lack of relationships, being unemployed, bills piling up, and just a feeling that God is not near us or cannot hear our prayer. There are plenty of nights I cannot pray because I feel like they bounce off the ceiling. There are plenty of nights, I do pray and I have faith that God will do it right away (they are what I call priority overnight miracles) and it does not happen in the time I need it to. I wonder if God still cares, there are moments I began to think if I have fallen from his will and have been left to my own devices.

            But let us start here. Every day that I wake up, I know that I still have purpose. If there were not, God would not have even bothered allowing me to see the light of day. Secondly, waking up knowing that his mercies are new every day helps. I have another day to get it right and to expect that this will be the day that God has set the expiration day to my struggle. Also sometimes reflection is necessary. We have to think back on the times we were in a bind and we have come out. Some issues took longer to fight, but it happened; and we know it was nothing but the power and grace of God.

            Now, I also know that some of us are on different paths of life. We all are not on the same level spiritually, but I can also relate naturally. Before I started my walk with God, whenever I was in a dark space I would reach out to a close friend. I finally just am realizing that we cannot do life alone; we need someone to walk with us when we are in those dark positions. Just having an ear to hear you, a shoulder to lean on is all it can take. Another positive side to it is that that person can offer advice and even be willing to take up some of the load simply because they love and care for you.

            We all have trials that we go through and most of the time we have no clue when it will end. We give up, want to throw in the towel, and close the door to the rest of the world. However, I want to encourage you; things do not last forever. These trials build us up and strengthen us for the rest of life’s fights ahead. At times, we may think that being we is not enough; butt with each fight and victory our chapter adds to the book of life that others can hear and learn from.

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